Stay In The Sunlight

Bright star, would I were stedfast as thou art— 
Not in lone splendour hung aloft the night
And watching, with eternal lids apart,
Like nature’s patient, sleepless Eremite,
The moving waters at their priestlike task
Of pure ablution round earth’s human shores,
Or gazing on the new soft-fallen mask
Of snow upon the mountains and the moors—
No—yet still stedfast, still unchangeable,
Pillow’d upon my fair love’s ripening breast,
To feel for ever its soft fall and swell,
Awake for ever in a sweet unrest,
Still, still to hear her tender-taken breath,
And so live ever—or else swoon to death. 

-John Keats

Today has been an unexpectadly difficult day. Every once in awhile a day just comes that at first seems very promising, but as the day unfolds just gets worse and worse. Nothing particularly terrible happened…I had a good dinner, I went swimming (actual swimming at least) for the first time in years, my aunt Lorraine came from Texas to visit….but for some reason I can’t shake this looming feeling of defeat. I lost my voice again which proves that nothing is getting any better, but I feel like there is something else that I can’t put my finger on. My mother always told me when I was a little girl that “things will be better in the morning”, and they always are. It’s just the nights that tend to be more difficult. 

I am a very lucky girl, and I have a lot to look forward to. I will make tomorrow a better today…starting with an 8 AM walk with my mother (dear lord…). 

I just got back from a fantastic week traveling to Milwaukee and DC…and it was beautiful! After having a serious traveling itch for quite sometime I was finally able to escape the midwest (and some rather suffocating family and friends) for a few days. I had a wonderful time, spent time with a truly wonderful boy, ate wonderful food and went to wonderful museums…a whole lot of wonderful!!! I also met some really interesting people. I’ve never really traveled alone, or even walked through so many museums alone before, but there was this odd invigorating feeling that comes with experiencing something new on your own…and spending a brief amount of time with people who you will never see again. They just become frozen in a snapshot in your mind, and regardless of their true character, your impression of them sticks in your memory. It was nice. Being at home surrounded by everyone I know doesn’t quite seem to measure up. 

It was also nice to have a few days where I didn’t feel like my life was in complete chaos in an attempt to to make everyone else happy (even if that meant sacrificing my own happiness). So I’m going to try to cut out the excess of my life and hope that it doesn’t come to backfire eventually…we shall see how it goes. I just can’t have my focus and energy going in 10 different directions all at the same time, so I need to learn not to expect that from myself before I get overwhelmed and completely exhausted. 

 I had a wonderful time, I shouldn’t have been so nervous!

Mini rants of the day:

I take care of my family (even people who aren’t officially my family) very well.  If this includes making 4 sack lunches and dropping off and picking people up from work, so be it. If you’re my best friend for 2 years, you become part of the family….regardless. People are going to need to buck up and deal with this. 

Additionally, my life is like “Nine”, but it would have to be called “Five”. This is rather ridiculous and tiresome…I’m so over it. 

Also, my nodes are bigger. I would scream and shake my fists at the sky, but alas…I can’t scream and make a substantial sound. Julie Andrews and I are going to start the “I can’t sing anymore because of nodes” club. Members to date: 2. 

I’m going to stop being angsty now. 

Today has been quite an amazing day. Despite not really accomplishing too much, I had a lovely time with Jordan that included puppies, impromptu target adventures for the world’s most perfect planner, the world cup and me making the most successful omlette of my life (although, as Hilaire Belloc once said: “be content that those who can make omelette’s properly can do nothing else”, ha). This was a continuation of last nights adventures where we began the Alphabet challenge (which is too top secret to be shared, I’ll let the mind wander…) and eating red mango fro-yo while we quoted “Harvard Sailing Team” and “Jackie and Deborah”. Needless to say, we didn’t make too many friends, but it was glorious. 

I also successfully bought a ticket to DC, which makes this summers travel total to 3. DC, San Fransisco and Montreal here I come! I’m excited to get out of Madison, I need a break from the chaos of my life at the moment and some people who are suffocating (or who I have allowed to suffocate me by being too passive). I have begun research and tireless lists of what I am going to try to accomplish while I travel, so I’m sure everything will go well. Next weekend=DC, and I am beyond excited, for multiple reasons :) 

Lastly, I made a voice clinic appointment for next Monday and I am scared out of my freaking mind. I’m pretty sure I will never be able to sing again like I was able to 2 years ago with with the life I need to lead. I have come to accept this as the year has progressed, but I have a feeling that I am still going to be quite devastated when someone actually tells me I won’t really be able to sing again. It’s difficult, but it’s life. I’ll find something new and I’ll try to make it my own. 

 How fabulous is she? Alek Wek has been today’s inspiration.  

on to tomorrow! Hopefully it will be as fabulous as today <3

This is the first week of the summer where I’m not quite sure what I am going to do with myself, which presents a number of problems. 

1) I need to be seriously distracted, and the ways I have figured out thus far have proven to be non beneficial. My mantra should become: less drinking, more thinking. Actually…less thinking would be appreciated too, because I don’t think I’m mentally capable of analyzing my life at the moment. let’s go with: less drinking, more reading. However, I’ve only been drunk once this week….god, my life is chaotic. Please wake me up when I can come out of hibernation. 

2) I think I’m going to attempt to go to Appleton to visit people before they leave me again. Anica is going to Australia for the fall and leaves this month (I think I might go crazy without her, I don’t know who I am going to make snarky sarcastic comments about life with for 10 weeks!), and Kaleigh is leaving me for the wilderness next Sunday. All of this is completely unacceptable…so I’m going to attempt to see them asap. Also, Aubrey is leaving for Ireland in August. Obviously, this is far too difficult for me to even comprehend in my head…so I’m going to continue to pretend like it’s not going to happen. Problem solved!

3) I have Netflixed all of Barbra Streisand’s musicals and made a list of Antonioni movies I still need to watch. Yes, I am completely aware of how sad the statement above is…I’m working on being cooler. 

4) This has nothing to do with next week, but my mother told me I looked Native American today. Maybe I should try to avoid more sun exposure so people can continue to recognize me. Also, I’m quite itchy because of it…which doesn’t make sleeping too comfortable. 

5) I’m supposed to work next week? Maybe? Too many question marks in point 5 for confort. I may attempt to grow a money tree. 

Matti is taking me out tonight to provide me with life advice. yes, I comprehend the ridiculous of that statement…but he may now be the only guy I can talk to candidly about life without bias or judgement. Irony? I think so…but I definitely apprecaite him. 

oh, and Happy 4th of July. I suppose it’s sad that I have completely forgotten about that all day. Uhmerica, happy birfday. 

this is nice.